Diffusing conflict quickly!

When my children present me with challenging language or behavior, my instinct is to defend and explain my position, even though I understand this approach often backfires. Afterall, defence is the first act of war!

For example, if my child says, "You don’t understand how much I hate doing this, and I can’t even talk to you about it," my initial response might be to answer (in a raised tone!) “ that’s not fair, I am always here for you.”  However, I've learned that until their frontal lobes fully develop, this response may not yield the understanding and connection I seek. Instead, it will invite them to respond back from their viewpoint again.

One of the most effective communication tools I have found over many years of training, working with clients and being a mum is to talk to the feelings behind the story. My intention is to look at the meaning behind the words and the behaviour to see if I can find the emotion involved. If I speak to the emotion there is a much greater chance that I will hit the spot, diffuse the conversation and connect with my child. It might look something like this. My child, ‘ you don’t understand how much I hate doing this and I can’t even talk to you about it’ Me, ‘ it looks like this is a really hard situation for you, and you can’t even share it with me. That sounds really lonely.’

Most of the time, in the heat of the moment, a child is trying to convey how they feel. Instead of concentrating on the words, the behaviour and the story, find their feeling and reflect them back to them. It works!

Laura